A fresh season, a fresh mindset

I tend to do quite a bit of reflection at the start of a new season. Maybe it’s my Jewish heritage, somewhere in my ancestry…this time of year feels more like the “New Year” than January 1st usually does.

This year, I’m starting the season in pain. You may have heard me mention it in a recent post on Facebook. I have some chronic neck issues which are getting better, but as the season begins, they aren’t quite solved, and I’m feeling desperate.

Being in pain stirs up some old triggers. Going through a phase where I am experiencing chronic physical pain has been eye opening. I am learning much about myself. There are skeletons that I thought I had buried, but they are resurfacing. I really want to deny this is what is happening, that I am regressing. No, it must be something different. Something new… I am now going through menopause which I wasn’t before. The hot flashes are interrupting my sleep when I’ve never had trouble sleeping before. I am now an avid fitness enthusiast and runner which I wasn’t before…

Sure, I am certain those things are part of the picture, but, when I dig deep, I see evidence of my discipline and self-control waning. I excuse choices that I used to avoid like eating the sourdough bread that I found at the health food market. Sure, it is gluten-free, and, it is sourdough, the kind of bread that health experts say is best to eat for the digestive system. Well, when I already know that eating grains inflames me, why would I eat an entire loaf of sourdough bread in the course of one week and expect my system to tolerate it? This choice was in addition to other similar questionable decisions around the same time. I rationalized that all of my exercise and half marathon training more than took care of my calorie burn. In fact, I even rationalized that I would help speed up my metabolism if I ate more calories. Can I be the first to say, eating the kind of calories that inflame my body does NOT help my metabolism. It just starts a whole series and progression of imbalances that lead to me being in chronic pain.

I know better. How many times have I preached to make decisions based on our life purpose and thriving and are one and only life?

Around the same time as eating the bread, I also allowed myself to begin watching some shows before bed. It is my experience that being still makes me stiff. Watching a show without keeping my promise to be in motion during the show is a recipe for poor posture, stiffness, and proved to be a trigger once again for binge eating. It was right around this time that my neck started hurting this summer. I had been strength training, but once my neck started bothering me, I also rationalized that the strength training could be aggravating the neck pain. So, I stopped. I have barely done any since! Strength training, especially using the core, is the best thing one can do for their posture, running, playing, brain, longevity…

It was the perfect storm. Eating inflammatory foods, starting to binge later and later at night, watching show after show, and stopping my strength training. What did I expect? Experiencing the chronic neck pain and my arms going numb, waking up night after night in agony, (on top of the already poor sleep due to hot flashes) and not being able to feel how I’m playing my violin while in chronic pain is awful and terrifying at the same time.

But, I don’t pretend to be a victim. I take responsibility.

The feeling of desperation, wanting this pain to stop, willing to do anything, a bit of panic and impatience makes me look for the quick fixes, and boy, are there a lot of promises for quick fixes out there! It can be so confusing. I think that once I start to lose the weight that I gained, that will help. I also think that getting my hormones in balance along with my thyroid will help. Maybe my iron levels?  Maybe I need to lower the intensity of my workouts? Of course, getting back into a strength training regimen and being very careful about my posture.…sure, possibly, but….

What is more difficult to see is that I am mentally and emotionally gripping through all of this. I am desperate to fix my discomfort. That desperation is causing me to grip and clench. I also know better.

There is something that miraculously happens when we surrender. What we resist persists. As long as I am gripping and clenching, and trying to control, the solution does not appear, no matter my effort. When the resistance, the judgment, the hateful self talk, desperation subsides, miracles can happen. When I release my grip and begin to ask, “God, please help me. I cannot do this alone.“, I open the door to healing.

I am finding the BEST posture is in surrender and stillness. While in this posture, I take ownership and responsibility, but, the shame and regret and judgment isn’t there. Only hope, only forgiveness that comes from complete acceptance in love.

I have said before we cannot hate ourselves, thin, fast, healthy or whole. I started to feel this icky judgmental feeling of disgust toward myself as I started to see the pounds go up and the pain continue.

This feeling of “disgust” is precisely where I need to heal. Anyone else?

Our heavenly father looks at us with such love, adoration, acceptance, forgiveness. If he can see me this way, then it is my desire to see myself that way, I pray that we all can. Ooofh, sooo hard!

His love cleanses us. But, only if we receive it, only if we believe it.

If he sees that I am worthy of his love, can I see that I am?

If he says YOU are worthy of his love, can you see that you are worthy?

It is in this act of love that I, we, can finally heal. I’m ready. Are you?

#timetoheal #selfcontrol #onelife #surrender #forgiven #freshstart #mindset #worthy