I’m not a victim

As I am traversing this journey through pain that is seemingly keeping me from being and feeling and playing my best, I’m doing a LOT of soul searching and reflecting, and coming to terms at this, in fact might be the best thing for me. Struggles and obstacles are our best teachers. A new thought process is what is this teaching me? Things don’t just happen to me, they happen for me. What is there to learn and be grateful for?

As I am starting this next season of playing, it can be rather disconcerting that the sensations that I know so well are not offering the same information as usual. I cannot tell how much pressure I’m putting down. I don’t feel the same amount of control. The mental panic and lack of confidence that arises as this is happening is perhaps a more immense mountain to climb the physical. When you lose trust and confidence, it is easy to start spiraling into an identity crisis. A worthiness crisis. A capable crisis. All this. could really hinge on what I logically know is a temporary setback.?

It is so interesting what happens when my usual routine, habits, systems (including habits in the mind) is compromised. Why is it compromised? Who or what is to blame? Just because the pain makes it harder to make good decisions, it is still me making the decisions.

Who is in charge? Me or my pain? I’m beginning to be grateful for this journey, as I’m seeing eye to eye with some truth. Here is some of what I’m traveling through on this path:

Making good decisions consistently (especially while enduring any kind of pain) is hard. Suffering the consequences of poor decisions is hard. Choose your hard.

There is no easy way out but through.

It takes consistent action which takes a consistent mindset which requires consistent awareness and consciousness.

It’s the journey, not the destination that makes us who we really are. We can’t skip to the microwaved result and expect 5 star 🌟 excellence. (Searching for quick fixes does nothing but stall growth.)

If we ever expect to master ourselves, our health, our life, we have to stop looking for the quick fix and easy route. Sure maybe it’s easy at first, but the longer it’s easy, the harder it is eventually. Embrace getting in the trenches, looking in the mirror, getting gritty. It’s not easy or pretty. But if you want the diamond, the pressure is necessary.

Most are not willing to get uncomfortable, so it might feel lonely and misunderstood. Find your tribe. There are people who will get you, encourage you and challenge you. You become like those you hang around with the most. Choose carefully.

Stop looking for something out THERE. What you need can only be found inside. When we are gripping and fighting against, we are not still or quiet enough to really hear.

Get your eyes off your own problems. Gain some perspective. There’s so much to be grateful for. Focus on the good. What we focus on grows. (This might be the most important thing!!)

It’s in the journey we grow. We can’t skip the process and still grow. And, fortunately, the journey doesn’t end. We were created for growth.

How can I grow? How can I move through?

Make and keep promises to yourself. Start small. Every single win is a win! Show yourself who’s boss. Find the TRUTH and surrender all to it.

Depression is real and powerful. The greatest antidotes are keeping promises to yourself and and filling your mind with the truth of how much God adores you.

Are you in charge? Or are your cravings, autopilot tendencies, emotions, feelings, fixed/closed mind, physical pain, the comfortable and familiar, Facebook influencers touting the latest fad, whatever is popular?

It will always be me against me, you against you. That’s our fight.

Anyone tired of all the promises of quick fixes without the work? 🙋‍♀️ It’s exhausting and confusing, and can even be downright dangerous.

The way I did it four years ago felt like a quick fix in many ways and I was grateful to find something safe and effective…. BUT, at the same time, I also knew that the hard part MUST BE DONE, or else I would be right back to where I started….my worst fear…lately I’m getting a real glimpse of how that spiral backwards begins. Can I stop it? It’s up to me. Do I love and respect myself enough to?

No one can do it for you. You must face yourself and do the work.

And, I learned through this, as I said last post, you can’t hate yourself thin, healthy, fast (as a runner) or whole.

I love walking alongside people and getting in the trenches where it’s real. I am still coaching a few clients at a time as my schedule allows.

Yes, I used tools to help me get started, and I know I wouldn’t have lasted through the process without them, but some things are meant to just be temporary training wheels. I’m happy to share anything I know and everything I’ve learned along the way and all my recommended tools!

There isn’t any one perfect diet, program macro ratio or lifestyle that fits everyone. But there is a common MENTAL attribute requiring each of us to face ourselves and the things that hold us back, getting honest and doing the work and consistent action steps to get us and keep us where we each want to go and stay.

Is what you are currently doing working? Is it possible that you haven’t discovered a system that works for you and your unique body? Or, maybe the system that you are trying is legit but is it possible that you just haven’t fully committed to it or to being fully in charge of yourself? Sure, maybe it’s right to tweak this or that to make it fit YOUR body’s needs, but I find that once I get real and honest and sit and really observe what’s happening or not happening that I ALREADY KNOW the TRUTH and that I’m just not following through with integrity or consistency. I had my doubts about the program and system that I adopted four years ago, but I went into it committing to 30 days steadfast. You will know if something is right for you in 30 days. Just give it everything you’ve got.

If you’ve read this far, you get to hear more of my personal recent struggle that I started sharing in my last post.

I want to blame hormones and menopause. I want to blame the extra pain caused by my pinched nerve. I want to blame inflammation. I want to believe the extra pounds is muscle. 😅

Guess when the inflammation started? After not sleeping for weeks. And then hit a tipping point after eating some of the foods that were on my “DO NOT EAT, THIS IS KRYPTONITE” list. One thing led to another. The way my psyche works is once I open the door it can easily swing wide open. Same the other way, once I skip, I keep skipping. I had been doing amazing strength work, then I skipped…have barely done any since. “Oh, it might aggravate my neck…”

I started watching Netflix again. I broke my promise to only watch while in motion (on the bike). Is it an accident or chance that the pounds and inflammation found me?

It’s not about the pounds. It’s about how I feel with the extra. I’ve found a sweet spot. I know when I’m not in it. If I don’t honor that, then I am fooling myself, dishonoring what I know is best for me.

Everything is related. When I’m in pain, I feel less strong all around. I more easily give in. I allowed the pain to make that feeling of being a victim come right back in. The old habits don’t ever die. They just get crowded out by the new ones, and for me, if I skip the good ones, those start to go away pretty fast too.

And SLEEP!!! Who makes good decisions on 2-3 hours sleep for weeks on end? EVERYTHING went off its rocker from that!! Hot flashes and agonizing pain, who can even!!?

The long and short of it is, I must take responsibility. If I’m not in charge, who or what is? Feeling like a victim is a terrible way to live. If it’s going to be, it’s up to me.

So, I’m getting honest. I hope it’s ok to be honest and vulnerable here to you. Red flags are screaming away, and I’m listening. Just like an alcoholic cannot go into a bar, the addictions I have, especially when it comes to binging, must be met with the same clear boundaries.

Oh is it tempting to look out there for easy fixes to my discomfort. Maybe I need hrt, maybe I should do IF, maybe strict keto, maybe more meat, maybe less meat….maybe once I start taking this supplement or med, the extra will just melt away….should I go back on 5&1? That worked before?

There isn’t an easy way out or through void of self control.

Consistent self control. Mastering discipline is the only way through.

I’m here deciding that I am boss, not the Netflix shows, not the big portions, not the foods after a certain hour of the day, not the pillow. If I can’t say no, that’s a sign I’m a slave to it. If I’m only willing to do what’s comfortable, I’m a slave to comfort.

I have worked too hard to lose any ground. I luckily have caught myself at just a few pounds up. I’m here being accountable and open, (maybe someone can relate to this picture and how hard it is to say no when it’s so familiar and easy to say yes. Anyone?)

My coach shared today…”Do I love myself enough to do ______ or not do _______?” I love that question. What about you? What will you start or stop because you love yourself and your God given ONELIFE enough to do what is necessary?

If there’s one thing I learned on my journey, that keeping promises to myself is POWERFUL, and so is failing to do so. I get to decide how much I respect myself and my future, or not. The future I really want requires me to tame and master the cravings of the flesh. To stop allowing anything that hinders in my path. Allowing inflammation to take hold again in my system hinders me from the life I am meant to live.

I’m not going back. I’m claiming this today!!

Anyone with me?

I’m grateful I have coaches I can lean into, I’m grateful for my family’s love and support, and I’m grateful that my Heavenly Father always hears my prayers and I can trust him with all this.

(Edit: I saved this as a draft September 19th. I totally forgot I wrote it. The journey God takes us on,…whew!! I just wrote a new post today about how God heard and answered my prayers!! Message…don’t ever give up. There is always hope.)